Relationship Anarchy

One of the many pride flags for relationship anarchy (unknown creator - flag has been around since at least 2016)

Relationship anarchy is a type of relationship. It is a form of relationship where there are no strict rules regarding the relationship. Some relationship anarchists see no distinct lines between different types of relationships. There is a big belief system in relationship anarchy community that monogamous marriages are "limiting" for the individuals who participate in them. 

Relationship anarchy as a concept initially began within the polyamorous community but has evolved since then, as a whole. Many relationship anarchists don't follow "stereotypes" or "norms' that have been established for relationships within society. 

The term "relationship anarchy" was coined by Andie Nordgren. It is difficult to find an exact coining date for the term, but it's estimated to have been floating around the internet since at least 2008. Some common core values that are common for relationship anarchists are:

• being non-hierarchical (i.e., they don’t rank their romantic partner[s] as necessarily more important than their friends)
• anti-prescriptionist (i.e., there are no built-in prescriptions about what a partnership must look like)
• nonmonogamous. (Some relationship anarchists are polyamorous, and some poly people practice relationship hierarchy, but the two are more like overlapping circles than synonyms.)

Some people have described relationship anarchy in BDSM terms "For BDSM we have two communities predominantly - SSS (safe, sane, consensual) which is used for the majority of BDSM play, and then we have RACK (risk-aware consensual kink) which is typically used for more dangerous or more inherently risky play, often with little to no formal rules or guidelines; relationship anarchy is more similar to RACK and polyamory as a whole is more like SSS - polyamorous relationships tend to have much more strict rules/guidelines than those that participate in relationship anarchy". 

Read more here:

• (Thank you this website for the bulleted text) 'What It’s Like Being a Relationship Anarchist" https://www.thecut.com/2018/10/what-does-relationship-anarchy-mean.html#:~:text=Relationship%20anarchy%20(RA)%2C%20a,upon%20by%20the%20involved%20parties.
• "Relationship Anarchy" http://www.relationship-anarchy.com/about

Tender BDSM

A hilarious and very true comic about BDSM

A lot of people, espicially those newer to BDSM seem to think it's all about pain and humiliation in some shape or form. That is just not the case. A bit misconception, specifically is with the pet play community.

People who are new to pet play or those who have never really looked into pet play seem to think it revolves (inherently) around beastiality and/or people dress up as pets solely for humiliation. This is false. A large study done showed majority of pet players (at least for this specific group of participants) showed most people who engage in pet play for it as a form of escapism. Children come up with creative games all the time, where they pretend they are fighting dragons or are faeries playing in the fields. Some pretend they are animals. Well, adults pretend to be animals too and this is pet play.

The wonderful thing about the BDSM community is that the bdsm activities and behaviors is like a giant buffet table. Indulge in what you want, and leave the rest behind.

Some pet players will pretend to be a sheep and their handler a shepherd. Some BDSM participants will have a caregiver-submissive dynamic to fill the void in their heart of having someone care for them or take care of someone. Some dynamics involve "household slaves" where the said slave will be in charge of just keeping the house clean, running errands, doing the laundry, and engage in other kinds of "household chores." Keep in mind that anything in the Master/slave dynamic has been consented to and the slave (or Master) had the right to retract consent at any time and walk away from the relationship for any reason.

The misconception that BDSM is only "hard core painful sex" or "only meant to degrade people" is a dangerous misconception that the mass media loves to push forward. BDSM can be tender and soft, and those players who wish to engage in this kind of tender play deserve recognition.

Lithosexuality

Lithosexual official flag!

Lithosexual (sometimes known as "akiosexual") comes from the asexual umbrella. Lithosexual means "a person who experiences sexual attraction but does NOT want it reciprocated under ANY circumstances." 

The community did face some backlash (specifically from the lesbian community). They accused lithosexual was "stealing" ideas from the lesbian community. Litho can be translated (as a prefix) as "stone" and lesbians felt this was "stolen" from their community because of the idea of a "stone lesbian". However, many people are not sure how true this idea is since it's debated in both the asexual umbrella and lesbian community. This is why the term "akiosexual" came about.

The flag was created by a user named "thejasmineelf" on Tumblr. I was not able to find an origin year/date for the flag. However, I was able to find what the flag colors mean. The flag colors mean (as per the creator): 

• Red represents community, as it is traditionally a color of leadership, life, and sensitivity.  
• Orange represents lith-ness, as it does on a version of the aro flag.  
• Yellow represents our varied relationships, also as it does on the mentioned aro flag. Yellow traditionally represents friendship, loyalty, and honor. 
• White represents romanticism and sexuality. 
• Black represents aromanticism and asexuality."

I could not find the exact origin of the term. However, Google Trends shows people regularly starting looking up the term "lithosexual" on Google regularly between 2012-2013. 

Lithosexual is a more popular term within the asexual umbrella. Many people within the asexual umbrella can easily recognize the official flag. Many people have heard (in LGBTQIA meeting areas) or seen the term float around online. 

My Personal Journey Through the Rainbow

It took me about ten years of term jumping before I finally realized what my sexual orientation was. Before age fourteen or so, I never really gave it serious thought. I just wasn't interested in dating, at all. My friends (girls and guys) would talk about who they had crushes on and the like and I just kind of awkwardly shrugged my shoulders. Did I have romantic fantasies? Sure, but nothing to the point of "sexual". Honestly, this should have been my first clue that I was asexual.

I remember going through old worksheets from middle school (about ages 10-13 for where I live in the world), I stumbled on some old health education class worksheets. The teacher asked something about romance and dating on the worksheet and when I read it now as an adult, I burst out laughing. Why? Apparently, my young brain thought it was okay to go on a tirade against dating, romance, sex, all of that. That should have been a huge red flag for my brain to go "hey, you're asexual". 

Around age fourteen I started to date seriously. I dated men throughout my high school years. However, from age 16 to18 I was sexually abused on a regular basis throughout the relationship. Around age 16 was when I started my journey of trying to figure myself out. Because of the abuse, I dissociated heavily when I was involved, personally, with any kind of sexual activity. I think this was what made it so difficult to figure myself out. 

At first, I claimed the title of "pansexual", a sexual orientation for those who feel sexually attracted to all consenting genders/sexes. After that I went to demisexual. I stuck with that term until around age 18 or 19 and I just didn't feel like "it fit" anymore. So I went through about a dozen of other terms found within the LGBTQIA community. 

It took me until I was 24 or 25 years old before I literally woke up one day (I believed it actually came to me through a dream) and I was like "Well hot damn, I am asexual." Romantically, I am panromantic. This means while I exhibit no sexual attraction towards people, romantically I am a-okay with all consenting adults who wish to have a romantic relationship with me and/or just do romantic activities with me. I jokingly will tell people "I am attracted to you in all ways except sexually". 

A subset of my asexuality is aegosexuality. In simple terms this basically means "I might have fantasies where I find you hot in the moment because I feel 'the horniness' come over me and I just need to clean out the pipes, but outside of these moments, I might say "you're beautiful", or "I want to date you" or "let's do sensual things", but sexuality wise, sex is fun when it happens, but I am perfectly okay with never having sex again in my life. I don't go out of my way to engage in sex with people." While speaking to other aegosexuals online, there seems to be a similar sentiment of "I was so confused for so long because I thought I had sexual attraction when in reality I was just horny and needed to 'let go of the urge' and then that was that". 

I am making this post to let people know that it is okay to take your time to figure out who you are. Sometimes people know from a young age. Others, it takes well into their adult years (I have heard stories of people not realizing what their orientation was until in their late 50s and 60s!). It is never too late to figure out who "you" are and whether or not you belong to the LGBTQIA community. 

Fire Play Medical Safety

Disclaimer: Fire play is apart of the BDSM community. As such, it is an 18+ activity only. BDSM goes by the age of majority, not age of consent.

Disclaimer 2: I have a graduate degree in public health and work in healthcare, however I do not have a medical degree or nursing degree. This is meant solely for a starting point for education. Please do plenty of research prior to engaging in fire play since it is inherently a very dangerous form of BDSM. Please seek out medical attention immediately if something goes wrong. Please look up safety procedures for handling different types of fire (fire dancing, breathing fire, fire acrobatics, etc.).  

Fire play is just what it sounds like - BDSM participants incorporating fire into their forms of play. It is certainly one of the more dangerous forms of play, since it does involve a very dangerous substance (fire). This article is meant solely as a basic medical introduction to help with any burns that occur during kinky scenes

First some basic fire injuries information: there are three stages of burns. 1st degree is like a sunburn. The first layer of skin is damaged. It leaves a pinkish red color. 2nd degree burns affect the first and second level of skin. It normally leaves some kind of blister. It will hurt quite a bit. Do not pop these blisters. Seek out medical attention. 3rd degree burns are the worst. They burn through all layers or skin. They often burn the nerves as well, leaving a numb sensation. These need medical attention as soon as possible.

Burns dehydrate the body. Do NOT use butter on any kind of burns. Do NOT stick any kind of ointment on the burn without guidance of your medical care team (nurse, doctor, etc.). Aloe vera can be good to treat 1st and 2nd degree burns (PURE aloe). DO NOT stick ice onto burns since it can "shock" the skin and cause further damage. If clothes or other items are stuck to the skin because of the burn DO NOT try to remove them.

What burns depends on the exact kind of treatment. For this reason, if anyone gets a 2nd or 3rd degree burn, the person should report immediately to a local hospital or clinic. 1st and 2nd degree burns can be placed in LUKEWARM (NOT cold) water until the appropriate medical attention has been given to help ease the pain.

Sapphic

One of the many proposed sapphic flags over the years

Preface: you could easily write entire books about this identity, so this will just be a brief overview

The term "sapphic" at its most basic definition means "woman who loves women". Many people prefer the term "sapphic" over "lesbian" because they feel the term "sapphic" is more friendly to nonbinary individuals.

The term "sapphic" is believed to have come from the Greek word "Sapphos" which is a reference to a woman who was a poet. 

Many pride flags have popped up over the years. The "lipstick lesbian" flag is a popular one but people have discovered that the person was a trans-exclusionary radical feminist, which made many people uncomfortable. There is no one predominant flag for the sapphic community. Whenever any kind of PRIDE event sells or features sapphic based merchandise, there is normally a large variation of "sapphic" based flags, and this is the reason why.

Some people will use phrases like "sapphic asexual". To these individuals, this normally means something along the lines of "I am asexual but I find myself attracted, on some level, solely to other women or have a very strong preference for women over other identities". 

A famous sapphic group in history is the "Samois" group. There were a lesbian-feminist BDSM organization based in San Francisco, California, USA, that existed from 1978 to 1983.

Aegosexuality

The official pride flag for aegosexuality!

Aegosexual (formally known as Autochorissexual) is a sexual orientation found within the asexual umbrella. It was coined by Anthony Bogaert in 2012. He used the term "autochorissexual", however, the community feels that this term pathologizes the identity. As a whole, the LGBTQIA community is moving away from these kinds of terminology that makes an illness out of natural expressions of human sexuality (like "homosexuality" and "autochorissexual"). 

For those curious, this is how Bogaert explains "autochorissexual" in his 2012 paper:

"I present evidence that target-oriented paraphilias may occur in some who report no sexual attraction for others or those who identify as asexual. One target-oriented paraphilia in some asexual people is a disconnection between their identity and a sexual target/object. I name this phenomenon autochorissexualism or ‘‘identity-less’’ sexuality."

So what does aegosexual mean? It is a term that, formally speaking has the definition of "A disconnection between oneself and a sexual target/object of arousal; may involve sexual fantasies, or arousal in response to erotica or pornography, but lacking any desire to be a participant in the sexual activities therein". So what does this mean in average, everyday English? A good, easy to understand definition would be for aegosexual, "You might find a thought sexually appealing, but it's solely fantasy, you can't see yourself deriving actual pleasure from it if you were actually living in the scenario. Like you might fantasize about engaging in certain fetish or BDSM activities, but if this really happened to you, you wouldn't find any of it sexually attractive."

Aegosexuals often find it difficult to label themselves because they feel like they're paradoxically living with sexual attraction but at the same time, without sexual attraction. It often takes them many years to "figure out" themselves because of this paradoxical state of mind and/or being. 

The flag was designed by a user who goes by "hunterinabrowncoat" in July 2014. They do not give an explanation for the flag colors or design chosen. Some people have complained that this particular flag is "hard on the eyes" and a few alternatives have appeared throughout the years, but the flag created by hunterinabrowncoat is the most popular. (Quick side note, hunterinabrowncoat defines aegosexuality as "autochorissexuals feel the attraction, but don’t want to engage in sexual activities."). 

Phimosis

Disclaimer: I do not have a medical degree. If you believe this condition described in this article is one that you have, please contact your local doctor. I have an MPH degree and work in healthcare, but again, I do not have an M.D. This article is meant yo be used solely for educational purposes and not to self-diagnosis. 

Phimosis is a condition that affects the penis. It is a condition where the foreskin is too tight on the penis. It makes it painful to pull back the foreskin on the penis. With this said, it can make it difficult to clean this area of the body. It can mean infection could happen due to bacterial build up and getting infected. 

People who have this condition report having a difficult time orgasming since it is harder to feel sensations around the penis with this condition. This condition can be cured. For some people, it goes away on its own. For others, if they do not seek out appropriate medical treatment (steroid creams, surgery, etc.) then it can permanently damage the penis. It is important to consult with a doctor to determine the severity of the problem as well as to learn what treatment options are best for the patient's own individual circumstances.

While it is true that phimosis can make it difficult to ejaculate, this condition does not mean that the penis can not pass on STDs/STIs. Pregnancy can still be made to happen (often though the partners have to get creative with this in regards to method and positions). Some cases of phimosis can make it difficult and/or painful to pass urine out of the body as well. Some doctors also believe that this condition could possibly increase the risk of tumors to form on or around the penis. 

If you would like to learn more about this condition, please take a look at the links below!

• Tight Foreskin: https://www.baus.org.uk/patients/conditions/13/tight_foreskin_phimosis/
• Tight Foresin (Phimosis and Paraphimosis): https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/phimosis/
• Phimosis: https://urology.ucsf.edu/patient-care/children/phimosis

Pony Play 101

The official pony play flag!

Disclaimer: Pony play is a form of BDSM. As such, if you are legally recognized as a minor, you can not engage in pony play. Wait until you are of your local age of majority (most places this is between the ages of 18-21, depending on where you are in the world). Then, you are free to explore and play! Otherwise, please do not engage in any type of BDSM play. It is illegal and the penalties are harsh for everyone involved.

Pony play is a type of pet play. It is a type of animal roleplay, where typically the submissive will take on the persona of some kind of equine (zebra, domesticated horse, unicorn, etc.). The Dominant typically goes by "Dom/Domme", "Owner", and/or "Jockey" in the case of pony players. Pony play is one of the oldest forms of pet play. It has been practiced since at least the 1800s but it is speculated to go back even further.

Studies show that most forms of pet play are typically done as a form of escapism. Some people will daydream, some people will engage in different types of artistic endeavors, others will pretend to be animals. Pony play is no different. It is very rarely done for orgasmic/sexual reasons. Pet players are not inherently into bestiality or zoophilia (romantic attraction to animals). Beastiality and zoophilia are the vast minority. Rarely are pony players into pony play for humiliation either.

There are many types of pony play. Pony play can typically be divided into:

• Show ponies: the ponies who enjoy dressing up and acting like a pony, sometimes involved with fancy footwork (dressage) competitions for judges
• Cart ponies: the ponies who will pull carts with their Dominant in them - typically seen at Leather PRIDE parades (and/or latex/BDSM in general)
• Event ponies: ponies that train in specific athletic events for pony players - typically seen as jumpers, dressage,  or barrel racers

A cart pony pulling his Dominant

There are many other sub-communities of the pony play field but these are the most common in the community. The athletic ponies who participate in the athletics fields must be physically fit (as well as cart ponies) because the type of athletics that they do put a hard strain on the body. Many pony players say they prefer to be show ponies over cart or event ponies because "my body just can't handle the physically harder activities", which is perfectly fine!

Pony play typically has very expensive gear that goes along with it. Their gear normally involves a pony-like mask (often called a "pony hood") that is made out of a variety of materials (leather, spandex, rubber, etc.); hoof boots (boots that look like horse hooves, equivalent to a "heeless heel"); a tail of some kind (butt plug or clip on); a harness/bridle (typically made from a "biological" horse's bridle or harness); and a saddle made for pony players. It is NOT recommended for pony players to put on saddles made for biological horses because it is not built for the confirmation of a human spine (they are built for a biological horse's spine). The biological horse saddles also range in weights (some are fairly light and others can be quite heavy), which is not good for a human's spine. A hood by itself typically costs $1500+ (depending on who you're buying from) and the hoof boots typically run $500+ (again, depending on who you are buying from). Pony play gear is optional (like all forms of pet play), but many ponies prefer to wear some kind of gear because it helps them "get into the headspace" of their pony persona. 

Some pony play outfits are revealing, others are often covered head to toe in some kind of leather or spandex outfit. The outfits vary wildly within the community. 

An elaborate pony play mask by Bob Basset

Like all forms of pet play, it is recommended that you feed your pony player pony a human diet. There is a lot of food that can be made to look similar to "actual horse food", but please do not feed your pony player strictly a horse-made diet. No, your pony player does not have to be a vegan or vegetarian to be a pony player. 

The pony play flag (listed at the top of the post) was created in 2007 by a person who goes by "Mystic Storm" online. Here's what the flag means:

• Black - Represents the Black Leather most commonly worn in the Leather communities.  This shows our link to the Leather Community at large.
• White - Represents the pure inner spirit within each pony, no matter how each pony may be different.
• Blue- Represents the ponies who strive to exceed at their craft and who enjoy the competition aspect of pony play. Also, blue represents denim, for all the cowboys and cowgirls who love their ponies!
• Green - Represents nature, grass and running free in a field with no worries except the stupid horse flies
• Horseshoes  - Represents the pony out in its natural environment as well as a symbol to unify all ponies.

Many pony players love horses. As such, here is a list of basic terminology that you might often hear in pony player communities:

• Tack: the equipment used for the pony player (saddle, bridle/harness, bit, etc.)
• Bridle: a type of head gear that has reins attached to it
• Harness: a type of head gear that does NOT have reins attached to it
• Bit: An often metal piece (can be leather too, but most often it is a piece of metal) that goes into a horse's mouth (or pony player's mouth in this case)
• Dressage: a fancy type of horse competition, horses typically look their "sunday's best" as well as their person (the Dominant in the case of pony play); the simplest way to describe it without drawing or showing a video is "fancy footwork"
• Barrel Racing: a type of horse competition where a horse must travel around 3 barrels, typically in a clover pattern
• Walk: a basic 4 beat gait, the slowest gait (think of a person regularly walking)
• Trot: what's equivalent to a person's light jog, it is a two beat gait with two feet/hooves on the ground at once (du-du-du-du is the type of sound a trot would make, two feet on the ground {diagonally - so front left and back right followed by right front and back left})
• Canter: what's equivalent to a person's light run, it is a three beat gait with one leading foot/hoof on the ground (then raised up) following by three feet on the ground, propelling the animal forward (da-duh,duh,duh - da-duh,duh,duh if you can imagine how the sound would be, the 'lead' foot is the first foot on the ground (typically front left or front right) and then followed by the rest of the three legs)
• Gallop: what's equivalent to a full out run, it is a four beat gait where one leg will briefly come off the ground. 
• Spanish Walk: a fancy gait that is essentially an exaggerated "walk" gait where the animal will hyperextend their front legs while walking to create elegant body movement
• Hoof pick: a tool used to clean a horse's hooves
• Curry comb: A type of comb used to remove old hair and debris off bio-horses
• Bio-horse: a horse or pony that is biologically a horse or pony
• Draft horse: a larger breed of horse (encompasses many breeds) that are typically built to haul large objects or be in a cart

There are pony play competitions (one of the most famous is named Equus) that involve different types of activities (dressage, jumpers, cart pulling, and choreographed sequences are the most common types) can be found throughout the world. Some pony players just play at home with their BDSM partner and this is fine. Sometimes Leather and/or BDSM PRIDE parades will be hosted in public settings and pony players can often be found there as well. 

Interested in learning more? The following links are great starting points!

• Exploring Pony Play - https://www.cpony.com/home/
• Equus International Pony Play - http://www.equusippe.com/
• [Youtube] Equus International Pony Play - https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCC9KDBkq024fqLy4x7arvHQ

Menstruation

The Uterus Plush that can be found in TheAwkwardYeti store!

Disclaimer: I am not an OBGYN - if you have serious health concerns, please consult your local OBGYN. I have a graduate degree in public health and work with doctors at my local hospital. This blog post is meant solely to be educational. 

There have been entire books written about the infamous "monthly visitor" - so I will keep this as a basic overview.  Whenever a person has their "monthly visitor" (known as menstruation), there is bleeding (anywhere from mild to severe, it's completely individualistic) because of the uterus getting rid of its excessive tissue because the body did not become pregnant.

Some people have problems with anemia, which occurs when a large amount of blood has been lost. These people typically need to manage it via pills (prescription drugs, hormonal birth control, etc.). Some have it so bad that they have to go to the hospital whenever this happens for a blood transfusion. Please keep in mind that this is the exception, not the rule for periods to be this bad.

Hormonal based birth control can make the bleeding lighter (or heavier). It depends on the individual person. It is not really known why periods still occur while hormonal based birth control is being used because of how birth control affects the body's biochemistry. 

The onset age for when a person first experiences this typically ranges from age 7-14. Some start sooner, some start later. After a person experiences their first menstruation cycle, they can become pregnant (however it is not advised since people who get pregnant "too young" dramatically increase health problems for both the person carrying the fetus and the fetus themselves).

Duration for the bleeding can be anywhere from 3-8 days typically. Periods generally come once a month (about once every 2.5 to 4 weeks). Periods can become irregular for numerous reasons (including but not limited to: extreme stress, hormonal based birth control, pregnant or breastfeeding, and thyroid problems). Besides the bleeding, other changes can involve mood swings, fatigue, depression, bloating, and headaches. Everyone is different with how they experience menstruation.

It is important to remember that it is not physically possible to have a period while pregnant (however there is a very slight risk of becoming pregnant while having "period sex"), however, spotting can occur. For many, they can not tell the difference between "period blood" and "spotting blood". Spotting is different from "period blood" (spotting is a very common side effect of hormonal based birth control).

"PMS" (pre-menstruation syndrome) is what happens before the monthly cycle occurs. It normally happens about 2-4 days prior to menstruation actually occurring. Signs and symptoms typically involving: mood swings, food cravings, irritability, depression, and tender breasts. If symptoms are severe, it is recommended to go to your local doctor. Premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD) can cause intense irritability, depression, and/or anxiety.

There are numerous hygiene products that can be used to help deal with the bleeding. These include, but are not limited to:

• Pads
• Tampons
• The Cup
• "Period undergarments"
• Sponges

Each type has its own pros and cons. It completely depends on what the person is wanting to do and their own preferences. Please keep in mind that any insertables (like the Cup or tampons) can become painful if any type of vaginal atrophy (aka vaginal dryness) is occurring (patients post-chemotherapy often have trouble for example).

Menstruation is a very natural process. The body didn't get pregnant so it's getting rid of the excess tissue. This comes out in the form of blood. It is just another type of vaginal secretion.