BDSM Collars

A BDSM collar is very popular within the Dom/sub dynamic

Collaring goes back to the ye-old-days of BDSM. It is the equivalent to a wedding ring in the kink world. For some, though rare, it is just another fashion accessory. For others within the BDSM community, it shows a deep level of commitment. For some dynamics, there is just "the collar". There are not specific "stages" or "levels" of collars. Other dynamics (often considered more "old school") have a very specific process for different types of collars.

1. Collar of Consideration
2. Training Collar
3. Formal Collar

The "collar of consideration" is on-par with a "promise ring". For the BDSM couple, it is to show that you are willing to "test the waters" with this specific relationship. If the partner(s) feel it isn't working out, it can be revoked. Otherwise, the next collar in the process is the "training collar". The training collar is on-par with the "engagement ring". The training collar shows the couple is comfortable with each other and still working out the exact dynamics ad limits of the relationship. The next and final collar in this process is called the "formal collar". This formal collar is on par with the "wedding ring". There is normally a formal ceremony done when giving the submissive this new collar.

When it comes to collaring, many BDSM couples often have a "day collar" (the collar that will be worn in public, often a simple necklace, bracelet, or some other kind of adornment) and "play collar" (this is for more private scenarios and/or when they're around other kinksters).

The "silent rules" of the collar is generally this - if a person has a collar on, it means "hands off". It means other Dominants (regardless of their type - dominatrix, Master, Owner, etc.) can not touch the submissive. Some take it as far as "you must talk to my Dominant before speaking with me or interacting with me". For everyone, every dynamic is different. 

Some other collars include:

• Collar of Protection
• Slave Collar

The collar of protection is typically used in a "protector" dynamic. The "protector" vows to keep their partner safe (online and in-person) from harm in the "real world". The slave collar is normally used with the Master/slave dynamic. It is important to note here that like all of BDSM, the "Master/slave" dynamic is solely fantastical. It is a consensual relationship where the submissive agrees to give the Master all rights and power in the relationship. This kind of dynamic is argued to be the most extreme version of any BDSM relationship. Not many can handle this type of relationship (and that is okay!). It is also important to note that all slaves have the right to happiness, safety, and to walk away from the relationship when they feel that they aren't being respected, being purposely put in harm's way, etc. 

Collars can be made out of many different materials. Each type of collar with the material it is made out of having different pros and cons to them (for example silk looks absolutely beautiful but unfortunately gets ruined quickly if pressed against the skin for too long because of how silk reacts to the sweat that the body naturally does throughout the day). 

Collaring is one of the first things newbies learn about within the BDSM community because it is such a common tradition within the BDSM community. Most BDSM practitioners recommend taking the utmost caution when it comes to giving or receiving collars because of the powerful symbolism that is prescribed to the notion of "collaring someone". 

BDSM Styles of Play

BDSM holds many different styles of play. It isn't just "RACK" or "SSC" (those these two are the most common). Here's a list of known styles of play:

• SCC: "safe sane consensual"
• RACK: "risk aware consensual kink"
• PRICK: "personal responsibility informed consensual kink"
• CCC: "committed compassionate consent"

SCC is perhaps the most popular style of play. It generally stays aware from what we consider inherently much more dangerous styles of play (like breath play and gun play). Many people don't practice "CNC" (consensual non consent as it's commonly called) with SCC. Safe words are clearly established (or the "traffic light" system as many use). Whenever the safe word is used in SSC play styles, the safe word stops the scene immediately. 

RACK is a bit more...risky. It includes more dangerous kinks (dangerous being defined as "one mistake and you're likely sending that person to the hospital, or the grave"). This could include something like practice bondage on your own (doing any kind of bondage on your own is incredibly dangerous due to unexpected health problems that can pop up like strokes, heart attacks, panic attacks, things of this nature). Many people do not feel comfortable preforming RACK at all, or if they do, it's only with partners they have a well established bond with (again, given the inherent risks and dangers). People who have argued against RACK have stated things like "I have often seen people use it to justify abuse".  RACK generally will have a "safe word" but safe words (depending on the exact RACK dynamic agreed upon) generally means for these play partners "ease off" rather than "stop the scene immediately". 

PRICK is similar to RACK, but it puts much more emphasis on individuals than opposed to the play dynamic. People who practice PRICK take it upon themselves that while they engage in riskier forms of play (like using sharp objects around the genitals), they will do their own intense research into the form of play prior to engaging in it. They expect their partner to do the same. It's like a "silent agreement to do research". 

CCC is very similar to RACK, but people who coined this and drifted to the CCC term (as opposed to RACK) felt like the emotional well being was not being taken care of (as well as it should) when play partners were using a RACK play style. CCC is generally seen as an appropriate style of play for partners involved with TPE (total power exchange) relationships. CCC, safewords are not permitted. Hard limits are established, however. 

Angential

The pride flag for angenital - unknown color meanings, flag maker is known online as uchuulien

Angenital can be defined as someone who "feels uncomfortable (potentially dysphoric) about having any kind of genitalia". People who are angenital do not mind having gendered pronouns (she/her/hers or he/his/him for example). People who are angenital don't mind having a gender identity that is relating to the feminine spectrum (such as demigirl) or masculine spectrum (such as libramasculine). Angenital has been known to be shortened to "ANG". 

The name of the surgery to "be rid of one's own genitals" is called "gender nullification". Those who have had often report difficulty with urination post-surgery ("holding it in" as well as being more prone to infections). Different surgeons remove different amounts of body parts (depending on the specific client's wishes as well as laws regarding this type of severe body modification). Often times post surgery clients have to take some kind of supplemental hormone. 

Through the research that I did, it is not clear if this type of surgery is still considered legal in the USA (I found conflicting articles about this). Some people who have gone through with this surgery have stated that they reached out to surgeons who had experience with transgender individuals who wanted to change their genitalia. 

In regards to Facebook groups, there is not a lot out there. On Fetlife, there is one gender nullification group. 

The reason why people do this extreme body modification is generally given as "I never felt comfortable with me body in that area - I just want it gone." 

Bisexuality

The official bisexual flag. The flag was created in 1998!

Ah, bisexuality. There are are few definitions floating around the internet for bisexuality. Here are a few:

• anyone who is attracted romantically and/or sexually to more than one gender (https://biresource.org)
•  physical attraction, romantic attraction, or sexual behavior that is not limited to one sex.  (www.bi.org)
• characterized by sexual or romantic attraction to both men and women (Merriam-Webster)

It is a type of multisexual attraction (meaning sexually attracted to more than one identity). The exact difference between "bisexual vs polysexual vs pansexual/omnisexual" varies wildly from person to person. Linguistically, bisexual can be broken down to "two + sexual". HOWEVER, there are many ways to interpret this "two" ("my gender and others" is a commonly used example of this, which by its very nature includes a multitude of gender identities and/or sexes).

The bisexual flag was crafted in 1998. The flag was created by a team that was led by Michael Page. The color meanings (from viewer top to bottom, according to Page themselves): the pink references same-sex attraction, the purple references sexual attraction to both sexes and blue references sexual attraction to the opposite sex.  

The bisexuality community is vast. Many LGBTQIA members are advocated for unity between the multisexual communities (pansexual/omnisexual, polysexual, bisexual, etc.) because (as they put it) "senseless fighting only harms our community" (referencing the LGBTQIA community). 

Heteroflexible (elasexual) and homoflexible (anisosexual) depends on the individual for if they're seen as a sub-community of the bisexual community or separate identities altogether. The argument for them not being "biphobic" is (in their words) "I don't have anything against the bisexual community or bisexual people, I just don't feel comfortable associating with the term". This often comes from a history of bad experience with the community online or personal bad experience. 

Regardless of what multisexual identity a person chooses to use, it often comes down to personal preference. These are identities are not inherently harmful to one another. 

Polyamorous vs Monoamorous

poly vs mono is a very complex phenomenon whenever it comes to how many partners we choose to have (romantically and/or sexually)

"Polyamorous" is more than one and "monoamorous" is one. People have often wondered, why is "mono the default" in regards to what is acceptable. This is...complicated to say the least. One of the leading theories for why initially "mono couples" started happening was because of STDs/STIs. 

In today's era, "polyamorous" often gets the excuse of "it's just a cheater" when that is not the case at all. In polyamorous couples (and families), there are ground rules laid down for everyone participating in the relationship. For example, a common rule is if you have sex outside of the polyamorous relationship then the person must wear some kind of protective device to reduce the risk of STDs/STIs being transferred.

The polyamorous community is starting to come out more "into the light" (so to speak). They are marching in LGBTQIA PRIDE parades (please note: they are not inherently apart of the LGBTQIA communities, they're like close cousins in the grand scheme of things). Many polyamorous groups are fighting for equal rights in regards to marriages as well.

The media (at least for America) does not have a good reputation for showcasing polyamorous couples. "Sister Wives" and similar shows are universally disliked within the polyamorous communities.  

What "causes" someone to be polyamorous? Currently, the science shows that scientists believe it's a combination of things - genetics, how your family and friends treated the idea of polyamorous couples and families (for example - if your family had a very negative attitude towards polyamorous couples and families, that idea is likely to imprint upon you), and your own cultural attitudes towards them. 

Many couples who are monoamorous decide they want to "dip their toes" into the polyamorous community (non-monogamy) and this is fine. There is a difference between mono-monogamous, polyamorous, and swings too. Non-monogamy covers a wide variety of different "not monogamous" type relationships, polyamorous generally means multiple romantic partners, and swingers tends to mean multiple sexual partners (with little to no regard for the romantic part of the relationship). However, these three definitions vary slightly from person to person.

There are so many different ways to have ethical polyamorous relationships. Every polyamorous relationship varies from person to person and couple to couple. There is no one "right way" to engage in an ethical (and consensual) polyamorous relationship. 

There are numerous polyamorous support groups on social media. There are also many videos on Youtube that cover the subject (with varying quality) - as well as numerous books and documentaries about the polyamorous community. 

If you'd like to learn more about the polyamorous community - below is a great list of "starter resources" for those who are just beginning to learn about this community:

• The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy (book)
• More than Two (book and website)
• Polyamory: Roadmaps for the Clueless and Hopeful by Anthony Ravenscroft (book)
• Solopoly.net (website)

While many of these resources focus on the "straight polyamorous relationships", it is very difficult to find polyamorous resources that are geared towards LGBTQIA couples and individuals. If anyone finds these kinds of resources, please let me know so I can add it to the list!

Sexual Dimorphism Genitalia

CW/TW: big warning about in graphic descriptions and details about human genitalia (penises, vaginas, the like). Also graphic pictures.

Also note: I have been wanting to make this blog post for a very long time, primarily to illustrate the minimal difference between what society deems as 'female' and what society deems as 'male'

There is very little difference between what we consider "male" and "female" on the biological level for human beings.  This post on this blog will focus on explaining the differences.

"Sexual dimorphism" can be described as how science can anatomically find a difference between what we see as "typically male" and "typically female". Science associates "typically female" as the body used to carry a fetus to term and give birth and in some animal species, care for the young until they reach maturity. Science associates "typically male" as the body that carries the sperm and impregnates others to "carry on the species" so to say. Obviously when we get into the social sciences "girl vs boy" is changing on a daily basis. We are not here to discuss the social science side of what we perceive as "feminine vs masculine". This is solely for biology.

An anatomical diagram of a penis vs a clitoris

As one can see from this diagram, overall, there are minimal differences between the two body parts. personally, I jokingly say "a clitoris is a baby penis and a penis is a big clitoris".

On the viewer's left is a clitoris filled with blood and on the viewer's right is a flaccid penis (image source)

The photograph here is being shown solely to show just how minimally different the two organs are

Now where does that leave the testicles? Again, very similar to what we consider "female anatomy". You see that "line" that goes down the center of the testicles? That is the "connection point" of where the labia majora would be. If the body did not connect the tissue here (among other things going on when you were a fetus in the womb), this likely would have become a labia majora. 

The "foreskin" on the clitoris is what we consider the "clitoral hood". The prostate has an equivalent for vaginal anatomy as well. This is known as the skel's gland. 

Let's be real, the sexual education in America is absolutely horrendous right now. Being a sexologist (and legally qualified to teach health education in the state that I am in right now), I strongly believe that if we had more frankly blunt depictions of human sexuality (age appropriate and all) and concepts within the human sexuality taught to our students (consent, basic introduction to LGBTQIA, sexual health and wellness, etc.) we would, as a society, have a much more (frankly) complex understanding of human sexuality.

I strongly believe that one of the primary reasons we have "male vs female" as a concept is because of our instinctual urge to categorize things. We have an entire scientific field dedicated to this idea (taxonomy, one hell of a field). Being able to put things in "neat little boxes" when discussing things brings the human brain comfort and helps reduce anxiety levels when trying to understand a concept. For this reason, I understand the "why", but at the same time, it is so incredibly frustrating when you see just how truly similar the human body is when it comes to "male vs female".

For further reading material, I strongly recommend the following!:

• Peaceful Parenting: http://www.drmomma.org/2015/02/homologous-organs-clitoris-penis.html
• Sexing the Body by Anne Fausto-Sterling (yes this book is dated with terminology and the like but is a great introduction to learning about how truly minimal sexual dimorphism is in humans)
• www.isna.org (this deals specifically with the intersex population but is a great read because it deals with sexing the human body)

Pornography

Pornography has always been a taboo subject to the masses

Fun fact! Pornography was the one of the first things to be captured when cameras could handle moving pictures. Which just goes to show that people have always wanted to consume pornography in some shape or form. 

Pornography is a touchy subject because sex is a touchy subject. The reality is, porn will always be a sought after form of media for the majority of the population. With this in mind (and the ever-changing landscape of technology) parents need to be proactive about discussing pornography with their children (pre-teens and teenagers). Hell, I remember being in middle school and happen to hear conversations of the boys beginning to discuss pornography with each other (keep in mind boys were around ages 11-13 here). Yes, porn sites have a "You must be 18+ to enter this site" warning on them but let's be real since there's no ID verification (or anything like that) for most sites, this is very easy to by-pass. As uncomfortable as a subject it is for most parents, healthy and ethical consumption of pornography is a must.

First, let's get a few things out of the way:

• Sexual fantasies are just that, fantasies. Many women report having some kind of sexually violent fantasy (commonly known as "CNC" or "consensual non-consent", the fetish name for this is biastophilia)
• The majority of people consume what we could consider "mild porn" (three-ways, blindfolds, roleplays, ec.) or "moderate porn" (such as any kind of impact play, electrical play, ice play, etc.) in regards to severity. The vast minority of porn consumers (when you consider the total population who consumes pornography) specifically look for porn that society would deem as extremely violent (blowjobs to the point of vomiting, physically hurting someone until their bruises are a grotesque color, etc.). 
• Many porn stars are actually uncomfortable performing "gang rape" scenes, "kidnap rape" scenes, anything involving a gun (fake or real), etc. If they do agree to do these kinds of scenes (and can go through with it all the way until the end) then they get a huge bonus (cash-wise)
• Because pornography budgets are getting smaller and they run on a very tight filming schedule, many performers are forced to be uncomfortable for extended periods of time (some go as far as physically hurting themselves and/or consuming pills to help with 'performance'). For this reason, many are choosing to avoid pornography companies all together (technology has allowed them to safely do this and maintain complete autonomy)
• Sex workers, in general, are known to have very low rates of STDs/STIs

Moderation is key, like most things. Are there unethical and violent pornography out there? Absolutely. I am in no way shape or form stating that all pornography is 'good' or 'healthy'. Don't bother with firewalls because people will find clever ways to get around them (like VPNs). 

If parents are uncomfortable discussing this subject with their children, there are many healthy alternatives:

• YouTube and other video sites! There are channels dedicated to safe sex ed and safe ways to consume pornography
• Look up parenting blogs that are specific to discussing 'adult' material with children ("the sex" talk, pornography consumptions, etc.) 
• Ask Facebook groups! There's tons of parenting groups on Facebook
• Put emphasis on the fact that porn is fantasy. Put emphasis on the fact that these are just actors playing a role. Put emphasis on the fact that actors are often chosen for specific body parts (for example penises on average tend to be larger in porn on average than penises in 'everyday circumstances')

It is important to have no pornography be the "sex education" tool your kids use to learn about sex since again, it is a fantasy. There's plenty of parenting groups, books, and videos about how to teach comprehensive and factually correct sex education. Know that your kid's school "sex education" is likely awful (they often just consist of "this is how pregnant happens" and "here's some scary images of STDs/STIs" and maybe even a graphic video of a someone giving birth). 

"Show me your tits"

Chatroulette's logo, one of many that have appeared over the years

As a 26 year old I am very much aware of “chatroulette” and similar websites where horny teens (and sometimes younger, or older) would write “show me your tits”. Chatroulette has changed greatly over the years. The most recent rendition of it seems to only allow pure video chatting (no text chat).

For the girls who didn’t know any better (and/or had zero care in the world), they would bare their chest to these complete strangers on the internet. Other times, people who were working with the cops or some other authority would attempt to do some kind of ‘sting’ operation to fool pedophiles and the like.
As a sexologist, this whole phenomenon of “show me your tits” is interesting. It almost always comes from a male. The male can be any age range but tends to be 13+ (some of these people haven’t even hit puberty yet, they’re only saying it because, theoretically, they see other people see this piece of text).

One theory by an aspiring sex therapist is (paraphrased): “It is out of malice…to ‘put women in their place’ because they [the men] don’t think we [the women] should be sexual unless it’s free and with them, and feelings of resentment”. This is a great theory that does hold water. Many boys grow up in homes where men are vehemently anti-woman (even if they have a wife). If they do have a wife, the wife tends to take on a more subservient role. Sex life of these always ends up with the woman as the bottom, often with the goal of reproduction and/or solely to give the man pleasure (“oh cares about the woman if she orgasms or not”). In this sense, they’re reduced to just property and lose any sense of humanity (they might as well be a sex doll with actual skin in this scenario where the couple is doing sex only for the man to orgasm).

Personally, I feel that it is because the men want to feel like they have some kind of power over women. Sex and sexuality is a form of “power” men often use to try to exhibit ‘dominance’ over women. If they have your nude images or video clips, they feel like they can blackmail you into doing whatever you want because society sees it as “Shameful” (and in some professional circles — it can certainly be career-ending, like in teaching or say healthcare).

With sex workers becoming more and more prominent, however, pictures and video clips featuring AFAB (“assigned female at birth”) body types with their breasts out, striking a sexually charged pose, and/or creating videos that involve them engaging in some kind of sexual activity, it is extremely common in today’s era to see these kinds of images. I joke with my friends when the 2060s roll around, people who were young in the 2020s (20/30-some year olds) will joke “Yeah, who didn’t have a nude image and/or sex tape in some shape or form floating around the web somewhere or have exchanged with a romantic partner at the time”.

At least in the mainstream, this phrase seems to have lost its popularity and power. I will admit, whenever I personally get a message from a man that says something like “Show me your tits” I am perplexed. There is literally an entire internet out there to get free or cheap naked photos of women (both artistic tasteful nudes and pornographic scenarios). There are animated breasts out there for people who prefer an animated woman to the “real woman”. There’s real-life sex dolls that look incredibly realistic (RealDoll is the company I have in min) as well.

Kink v. Fetish

The idea of "what's the difference, exactly, between a kink and a fetish" will likely be debated until the end of time. The psychological community has a slightly different definition from say the anthropological community. For sexology, the definition is a mish-mash from many different fields (biological, physiological, anthropological, sociological, among other fields). This new definition for what exactly is the difference between the two is influenced by the fields mentioned above and has created its own unique definition.

Some definitions for "kink" that have popped up over the years are:

• An unconventional sexual taste or behavior (Merriam-Webster's collegiate dictionary, 2020)
• An unusual behavior, something most people would deem "abnormal" or "bizarre" - not inherently "sexual" (Decoding Desire, 2014)
• "Kink" is a broad term that refers to a wide variety of consensual, non-traditional sexual, sensual, and intimate behaviors such as sadomasochism, domination and submission, erotic roleplaying, fetishism, and erotic forms of discipline (Aaron, 2018)

Some definitions of "fetish" that have popped up over the years are:

• "to do" / "a thing made by art" (Fernandez & Lastovicka, 2011)
• Used by anthropologists and historians to observe different societies and their relationship to material objects (Fernandez & Lastovicka, 2011)
• An inanimate object or body part causes sexual arousal (Fernandez & Lastovicka, 2011) (Freud)
• A ritualized use of eroticized objects of desire (Krafft-Ebing)
• A body part on the human body or inanimate object with intense sensations (Krafft-Ebing)
• The attribution of erotic or sexual significance to some nonsexual inanimate object or to a nongenital body part; an inanimate object venerated for its alleged magical powers. Fetishism involves a paraphilia condition in which the fetishist is dependent on a fetish object, substance, or part of the body in order to achieve sexual arousal and orgasm. The erotic symbolism of a  fetish results from associations usually developed unconsciously during the prepubertal or early adolescent period.  (Francoeur, Cornog, Scherzer, & Perper, 1995)
• "Fetish" is a more narrow term that describes people with an erotic or intimate interest in specific non-genital body parts, fabrics, smells, fluids, costumes and other non-human objects. (Aaron, 2018)

While similar, these two words are not quite the same. The people on the internet and everyday conversation use these two terms are interchangeable, synonymous things when this is not quite the case. "Kink" is typically seen as someone "unusual" or "abnormal" to the average person off the street (bondage, roleplaying, certain acts of BDSM just to give some examples). It is not inherently "sexual" (sexual here meaning: anything involving penetration, having an orgasm as the primary goal of the activity, etc.). "Fetish" is seen as something where the primary goal is to have an orgasm or to experience sexual-relating feelings and sensation (the "feel good" feelings that come when someone touches a certain spot on the body, such as caressing the back of a knee or rubbing a feather on someone). 

Sexologists, a field of study specific to human sexuality, all have slightly varying definitions of "kink" and "fetish". One thing sexologists can agree on though is that the line between "fetish" and "sexual attraction" seems to be getting thinner with how exactly to define the differences between the two. Regardless, it is important to remember that there is a slight difference between "kink" and "fetish". 

References:

Aaron, M. (2018, May 30). Growing Up Kinky: Research Shows How Kink Identity Is Formed. Retrieved February 2020, from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/standard-deviations/201805/growing-kinky-research-shows-how-kink-identity-is-formed

Decoding Desire. (2014).

Fernandez, K. V., & Lastovicka, J. L. (2011). Making Magic: Fetishes in Contemporary Consumption. Journal of Consumer Research, 38(2), 278–299. doi: 10.1086/659079

Francoeur, R. T., Cornog, M., Scherzer, N. A., & Perper, T. (1995). The complete dictionary of sexology (New Expanded). New York: Continuum.

Kink. 2020. in Merrian-Webster.com. Retrieved February 2020, from https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/kink

Rosen, D. (n.d.). Secrets of the Sexual Fetish: How Sin Became the New Normal. Retrieved February 2020, from http://logosjournal.com/2016/rosen/

Sex Magik

Sex Magik is a type of "magic" (written as magik to mark the difference between fictional magic and magik referencing energy manipulated by those who identify as a "witch") that involves sexual activities between two or more people. Some have made the argument that it can apply to masturbation as well, but generally speaking, "sex magik" is seen as 2+ people.

Sex magik is often considered a powerful form of magik. Different cultures from around the globe have different rituals and beliefs regarding sex and sex-like activities. There are deities associated with the idea of sex as well. Some popular deities from different pantheons involving sex involve Eros (son of Aphrodite, Greek/Roman mythology), Qetesh (Egyptian), Rati (Hinduism), Freyja (Germanic), and Zamani (Hausa).

Some rituals involve potions, often composed of different types of liquids (body fluids or otherwise) and sometimes parts of animals (different parts of snakes for example). Fertility rituals are very common as well in different time periods and cultures around the globe. Sex magik can involve these types of rituals as well. It all depends on the person who is defining the term. Witchcraft is very individualistic. There is no "one size fits all" when it comes to witchcraft.

Some try to use sex magik to enhance pleasure (for themselves or their partner{s}), some use it for fertility, and some use it to enhance their own physical features (self esteem boost, improve their own beauty, etc.). Regardless of the technique or method, it is a valid form of witchcraft. Like all sexual activities though, keep in mind safe sex practices and get yourself tested regularly if you have multiple sexual partners.