Polyamorous vs Monoamorous

poly vs mono is a very complex phenomenon whenever it comes to how many partners we choose to have (romantically and/or sexually)

"Polyamorous" is more than one and "monoamorous" is one. People have often wondered, why is "mono the default" in regards to what is acceptable. This is...complicated to say the least. One of the leading theories for why initially "mono couples" started happening was because of STDs/STIs. 

In today's era, "polyamorous" often gets the excuse of "it's just a cheater" when that is not the case at all. In polyamorous couples (and families), there are ground rules laid down for everyone participating in the relationship. For example, a common rule is if you have sex outside of the polyamorous relationship then the person must wear some kind of protective device to reduce the risk of STDs/STIs being transferred.

The polyamorous community is starting to come out more "into the light" (so to speak). They are marching in LGBTQIA PRIDE parades (please note: they are not inherently apart of the LGBTQIA communities, they're like close cousins in the grand scheme of things). Many polyamorous groups are fighting for equal rights in regards to marriages as well.

The media (at least for America) does not have a good reputation for showcasing polyamorous couples. "Sister Wives" and similar shows are universally disliked within the polyamorous communities.  

What "causes" someone to be polyamorous? Currently, the science shows that scientists believe it's a combination of things - genetics, how your family and friends treated the idea of polyamorous couples and families (for example - if your family had a very negative attitude towards polyamorous couples and families, that idea is likely to imprint upon you), and your own cultural attitudes towards them. 

Many couples who are monoamorous decide they want to "dip their toes" into the polyamorous community (non-monogamy) and this is fine. There is a difference between mono-monogamous, polyamorous, and swings too. Non-monogamy covers a wide variety of different "not monogamous" type relationships, polyamorous generally means multiple romantic partners, and swingers tends to mean multiple sexual partners (with little to no regard for the romantic part of the relationship). However, these three definitions vary slightly from person to person.

There are so many different ways to have ethical polyamorous relationships. Every polyamorous relationship varies from person to person and couple to couple. There is no one "right way" to engage in an ethical (and consensual) polyamorous relationship. 

There are numerous polyamorous support groups on social media. There are also many videos on Youtube that cover the subject (with varying quality) - as well as numerous books and documentaries about the polyamorous community. 

If you'd like to learn more about the polyamorous community - below is a great list of "starter resources" for those who are just beginning to learn about this community:

• The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy (book)
• More than Two (book and website)
• Polyamory: Roadmaps for the Clueless and Hopeful by Anthony Ravenscroft (book)
• Solopoly.net (website)

While many of these resources focus on the "straight polyamorous relationships", it is very difficult to find polyamorous resources that are geared towards LGBTQIA couples and individuals. If anyone finds these kinds of resources, please let me know so I can add it to the list!

Sexual Dimorphism Genitalia

CW/TW: big warning about in graphic descriptions and details about human genitalia (penises, vaginas, the like). Also graphic pictures.

Also note: I have been wanting to make this blog post for a very long time, primarily to illustrate the minimal difference between what society deems as 'female' and what society deems as 'male'

There is very little difference between what we consider "male" and "female" on the biological level for human beings.  This post on this blog will focus on explaining the differences.

"Sexual dimorphism" can be described as how science can anatomically find a difference between what we see as "typically male" and "typically female". Science associates "typically female" as the body used to carry a fetus to term and give birth and in some animal species, care for the young until they reach maturity. Science associates "typically male" as the body that carries the sperm and impregnates others to "carry on the species" so to say. Obviously when we get into the social sciences "girl vs boy" is changing on a daily basis. We are not here to discuss the social science side of what we perceive as "feminine vs masculine". This is solely for biology.

An anatomical diagram of a penis vs a clitoris

As one can see from this diagram, overall, there are minimal differences between the two body parts. personally, I jokingly say "a clitoris is a baby penis and a penis is a big clitoris".

On the viewer's left is a clitoris filled with blood and on the viewer's right is a flaccid penis (image source)

The photograph here is being shown solely to show just how minimally different the two organs are

Now where does that leave the testicles? Again, very similar to what we consider "female anatomy". You see that "line" that goes down the center of the testicles? That is the "connection point" of where the labia majora would be. If the body did not connect the tissue here (among other things going on when you were a fetus in the womb), this likely would have become a labia majora. 

The "foreskin" on the clitoris is what we consider the "clitoral hood". The prostate has an equivalent for vaginal anatomy as well. This is known as the skel's gland. 

Let's be real, the sexual education in America is absolutely horrendous right now. Being a sexologist (and legally qualified to teach health education in the state that I am in right now), I strongly believe that if we had more frankly blunt depictions of human sexuality (age appropriate and all) and concepts within the human sexuality taught to our students (consent, basic introduction to LGBTQIA, sexual health and wellness, etc.) we would, as a society, have a much more (frankly) complex understanding of human sexuality.

I strongly believe that one of the primary reasons we have "male vs female" as a concept is because of our instinctual urge to categorize things. We have an entire scientific field dedicated to this idea (taxonomy, one hell of a field). Being able to put things in "neat little boxes" when discussing things brings the human brain comfort and helps reduce anxiety levels when trying to understand a concept. For this reason, I understand the "why", but at the same time, it is so incredibly frustrating when you see just how truly similar the human body is when it comes to "male vs female".

For further reading material, I strongly recommend the following!:

• Peaceful Parenting: http://www.drmomma.org/2015/02/homologous-organs-clitoris-penis.html
• Sexing the Body by Anne Fausto-Sterling (yes this book is dated with terminology and the like but is a great introduction to learning about how truly minimal sexual dimorphism is in humans)
• www.isna.org (this deals specifically with the intersex population but is a great read because it deals with sexing the human body)

Pornography

Pornography has always been a taboo subject to the masses

Fun fact! Pornography was the one of the first things to be captured when cameras could handle moving pictures. Which just goes to show that people have always wanted to consume pornography in some shape or form. 

Pornography is a touchy subject because sex is a touchy subject. The reality is, porn will always be a sought after form of media for the majority of the population. With this in mind (and the ever-changing landscape of technology) parents need to be proactive about discussing pornography with their children (pre-teens and teenagers). Hell, I remember being in middle school and happen to hear conversations of the boys beginning to discuss pornography with each other (keep in mind boys were around ages 11-13 here). Yes, porn sites have a "You must be 18+ to enter this site" warning on them but let's be real since there's no ID verification (or anything like that) for most sites, this is very easy to by-pass. As uncomfortable as a subject it is for most parents, healthy and ethical consumption of pornography is a must.

First, let's get a few things out of the way:

• Sexual fantasies are just that, fantasies. Many women report having some kind of sexually violent fantasy (commonly known as "CNC" or "consensual non-consent", the fetish name for this is biastophilia)
• The majority of people consume what we could consider "mild porn" (three-ways, blindfolds, roleplays, ec.) or "moderate porn" (such as any kind of impact play, electrical play, ice play, etc.) in regards to severity. The vast minority of porn consumers (when you consider the total population who consumes pornography) specifically look for porn that society would deem as extremely violent (blowjobs to the point of vomiting, physically hurting someone until their bruises are a grotesque color, etc.). 
• Many porn stars are actually uncomfortable performing "gang rape" scenes, "kidnap rape" scenes, anything involving a gun (fake or real), etc. If they do agree to do these kinds of scenes (and can go through with it all the way until the end) then they get a huge bonus (cash-wise)
• Because pornography budgets are getting smaller and they run on a very tight filming schedule, many performers are forced to be uncomfortable for extended periods of time (some go as far as physically hurting themselves and/or consuming pills to help with 'performance'). For this reason, many are choosing to avoid pornography companies all together (technology has allowed them to safely do this and maintain complete autonomy)
• Sex workers, in general, are known to have very low rates of STDs/STIs

Moderation is key, like most things. Are there unethical and violent pornography out there? Absolutely. I am in no way shape or form stating that all pornography is 'good' or 'healthy'. Don't bother with firewalls because people will find clever ways to get around them (like VPNs). 

If parents are uncomfortable discussing this subject with their children, there are many healthy alternatives:

• YouTube and other video sites! There are channels dedicated to safe sex ed and safe ways to consume pornography
• Look up parenting blogs that are specific to discussing 'adult' material with children ("the sex" talk, pornography consumptions, etc.) 
• Ask Facebook groups! There's tons of parenting groups on Facebook
• Put emphasis on the fact that porn is fantasy. Put emphasis on the fact that these are just actors playing a role. Put emphasis on the fact that actors are often chosen for specific body parts (for example penises on average tend to be larger in porn on average than penises in 'everyday circumstances')

It is important to have no pornography be the "sex education" tool your kids use to learn about sex since again, it is a fantasy. There's plenty of parenting groups, books, and videos about how to teach comprehensive and factually correct sex education. Know that your kid's school "sex education" is likely awful (they often just consist of "this is how pregnant happens" and "here's some scary images of STDs/STIs" and maybe even a graphic video of a someone giving birth). 

"Show me your tits"

Chatroulette's logo, one of many that have appeared over the years

As a 26 year old I am very much aware of “chatroulette” and similar websites where horny teens (and sometimes younger, or older) would write “show me your tits”. Chatroulette has changed greatly over the years. The most recent rendition of it seems to only allow pure video chatting (no text chat).

For the girls who didn’t know any better (and/or had zero care in the world), they would bare their chest to these complete strangers on the internet. Other times, people who were working with the cops or some other authority would attempt to do some kind of ‘sting’ operation to fool pedophiles and the like.
As a sexologist, this whole phenomenon of “show me your tits” is interesting. It almost always comes from a male. The male can be any age range but tends to be 13+ (some of these people haven’t even hit puberty yet, they’re only saying it because, theoretically, they see other people see this piece of text).

One theory by an aspiring sex therapist is (paraphrased): “It is out of malice…to ‘put women in their place’ because they [the men] don’t think we [the women] should be sexual unless it’s free and with them, and feelings of resentment”. This is a great theory that does hold water. Many boys grow up in homes where men are vehemently anti-woman (even if they have a wife). If they do have a wife, the wife tends to take on a more subservient role. Sex life of these always ends up with the woman as the bottom, often with the goal of reproduction and/or solely to give the man pleasure (“oh cares about the woman if she orgasms or not”). In this sense, they’re reduced to just property and lose any sense of humanity (they might as well be a sex doll with actual skin in this scenario where the couple is doing sex only for the man to orgasm).

Personally, I feel that it is because the men want to feel like they have some kind of power over women. Sex and sexuality is a form of “power” men often use to try to exhibit ‘dominance’ over women. If they have your nude images or video clips, they feel like they can blackmail you into doing whatever you want because society sees it as “Shameful” (and in some professional circles — it can certainly be career-ending, like in teaching or say healthcare).

With sex workers becoming more and more prominent, however, pictures and video clips featuring AFAB (“assigned female at birth”) body types with their breasts out, striking a sexually charged pose, and/or creating videos that involve them engaging in some kind of sexual activity, it is extremely common in today’s era to see these kinds of images. I joke with my friends when the 2060s roll around, people who were young in the 2020s (20/30-some year olds) will joke “Yeah, who didn’t have a nude image and/or sex tape in some shape or form floating around the web somewhere or have exchanged with a romantic partner at the time”.

At least in the mainstream, this phrase seems to have lost its popularity and power. I will admit, whenever I personally get a message from a man that says something like “Show me your tits” I am perplexed. There is literally an entire internet out there to get free or cheap naked photos of women (both artistic tasteful nudes and pornographic scenarios). There are animated breasts out there for people who prefer an animated woman to the “real woman”. There’s real-life sex dolls that look incredibly realistic (RealDoll is the company I have in min) as well.

Kink v. Fetish

The idea of "what's the difference, exactly, between a kink and a fetish" will likely be debated until the end of time. The psychological community has a slightly different definition from say the anthropological community. For sexology, the definition is a mish-mash from many different fields (biological, physiological, anthropological, sociological, among other fields). This new definition for what exactly is the difference between the two is influenced by the fields mentioned above and has created its own unique definition.

Some definitions for "kink" that have popped up over the years are:

• An unconventional sexual taste or behavior (Merriam-Webster's collegiate dictionary, 2020)
• An unusual behavior, something most people would deem "abnormal" or "bizarre" - not inherently "sexual" (Decoding Desire, 2014)
• "Kink" is a broad term that refers to a wide variety of consensual, non-traditional sexual, sensual, and intimate behaviors such as sadomasochism, domination and submission, erotic roleplaying, fetishism, and erotic forms of discipline (Aaron, 2018)

Some definitions of "fetish" that have popped up over the years are:

• "to do" / "a thing made by art" (Fernandez & Lastovicka, 2011)
• Used by anthropologists and historians to observe different societies and their relationship to material objects (Fernandez & Lastovicka, 2011)
• An inanimate object or body part causes sexual arousal (Fernandez & Lastovicka, 2011) (Freud)
• A ritualized use of eroticized objects of desire (Krafft-Ebing)
• A body part on the human body or inanimate object with intense sensations (Krafft-Ebing)
• The attribution of erotic or sexual significance to some nonsexual inanimate object or to a nongenital body part; an inanimate object venerated for its alleged magical powers. Fetishism involves a paraphilia condition in which the fetishist is dependent on a fetish object, substance, or part of the body in order to achieve sexual arousal and orgasm. The erotic symbolism of a  fetish results from associations usually developed unconsciously during the prepubertal or early adolescent period.  (Francoeur, Cornog, Scherzer, & Perper, 1995)
• "Fetish" is a more narrow term that describes people with an erotic or intimate interest in specific non-genital body parts, fabrics, smells, fluids, costumes and other non-human objects. (Aaron, 2018)

While similar, these two words are not quite the same. The people on the internet and everyday conversation use these two terms are interchangeable, synonymous things when this is not quite the case. "Kink" is typically seen as someone "unusual" or "abnormal" to the average person off the street (bondage, roleplaying, certain acts of BDSM just to give some examples). It is not inherently "sexual" (sexual here meaning: anything involving penetration, having an orgasm as the primary goal of the activity, etc.). "Fetish" is seen as something where the primary goal is to have an orgasm or to experience sexual-relating feelings and sensation (the "feel good" feelings that come when someone touches a certain spot on the body, such as caressing the back of a knee or rubbing a feather on someone). 

Sexologists, a field of study specific to human sexuality, all have slightly varying definitions of "kink" and "fetish". One thing sexologists can agree on though is that the line between "fetish" and "sexual attraction" seems to be getting thinner with how exactly to define the differences between the two. Regardless, it is important to remember that there is a slight difference between "kink" and "fetish". 

References:

Aaron, M. (2018, May 30). Growing Up Kinky: Research Shows How Kink Identity Is Formed. Retrieved February 2020, from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/standard-deviations/201805/growing-kinky-research-shows-how-kink-identity-is-formed

Decoding Desire. (2014).

Fernandez, K. V., & Lastovicka, J. L. (2011). Making Magic: Fetishes in Contemporary Consumption. Journal of Consumer Research, 38(2), 278–299. doi: 10.1086/659079

Francoeur, R. T., Cornog, M., Scherzer, N. A., & Perper, T. (1995). The complete dictionary of sexology (New Expanded). New York: Continuum.

Kink. 2020. in Merrian-Webster.com. Retrieved February 2020, from https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/kink

Rosen, D. (n.d.). Secrets of the Sexual Fetish: How Sin Became the New Normal. Retrieved February 2020, from http://logosjournal.com/2016/rosen/

Sex Magik

Sex Magik is a type of "magic" (written as magik to mark the difference between fictional magic and magik referencing energy manipulated by those who identify as a "witch") that involves sexual activities between two or more people. Some have made the argument that it can apply to masturbation as well, but generally speaking, "sex magik" is seen as 2+ people.

Sex magik is often considered a powerful form of magik. Different cultures from around the globe have different rituals and beliefs regarding sex and sex-like activities. There are deities associated with the idea of sex as well. Some popular deities from different pantheons involving sex involve Eros (son of Aphrodite, Greek/Roman mythology), Qetesh (Egyptian), Rati (Hinduism), Freyja (Germanic), and Zamani (Hausa).

Some rituals involve potions, often composed of different types of liquids (body fluids or otherwise) and sometimes parts of animals (different parts of snakes for example). Fertility rituals are very common as well in different time periods and cultures around the globe. Sex magik can involve these types of rituals as well. It all depends on the person who is defining the term. Witchcraft is very individualistic. There is no "one size fits all" when it comes to witchcraft.

Some try to use sex magik to enhance pleasure (for themselves or their partner{s}), some use it for fertility, and some use it to enhance their own physical features (self esteem boost, improve their own beauty, etc.). Regardless of the technique or method, it is a valid form of witchcraft. Like all sexual activities though, keep in mind safe sex practices and get yourself tested regularly if you have multiple sexual partners.

Switch BDSM

A "switch" is a BDSM title. It means someone who is comfortable as both a Dominant and submissive. Switches can have a preference for being more "Dom like" or "sub like", but again, they are comfortable as both a Dominant and submissive. They have existed in the BDSM community since the beginning of the BDSM community. Switches can come from any socioeconomic condition and/or demographic (age, sex, gender, race, etc.) It is not currently known what demographics are the most populated when it comes to switches. Switches are not traditionally capitalized in the way that the Dominant title is ("Dominant" is, regardless of its placement in the sentence, due to an old tradition and to show respect for said title).

Many switches do face hardships within the BDSM community. They face similar struggles that the multisexual community in the LGBT community face (bisexual, pansexual, etc.) because of the struggle of "JUST PICK A SIDE" type phrases. Also, it is frankly difficult to find "PRIDE" type merchandise in the BDSM community geared towards switches, specifically (there's a lot of BDSM pride imagery and quotes around the internet for both the Dominant and submissive community, but it is much more difficult to find such things specific to the switch community).

The old switch flag (as depicted below)

has since been requested to stop being used as the "official" switch symbol in the BDSM community by the flag creator. The flag creator is not happy with the flag design and thus has asked people to stop associating it with the switch community. As such, they are currently "flag-less" for having a visual symbol to represent them. 

All the Letters

An anonymously made image found on the social media site "Whisper"

Queer theory is a collection of theories of "what it means" to be LGBT. A large recent survey done in different LGBT circles on different forms of social media (Reddit, Twitter, and Facebook) found that the term "queer" overall is now seen as "reclaimed" and/or "not a slur" for the LGBT community. Many use the term "queer" as a way to say "so many terms now apply to me, I'm not going to bore you with every single word and then explaining every single word". Others use it as a means of saying "I just am not straight".

As of now, the longest string of letters is LGBTQQIA(A)P, which stands for:

• Lesbian
• Gay
• Bisexual
• Transgender
• Queer
• Questioning
• Intersex
• Asexual
• (Ally)
• Pansexual/Omnisexual

Ally has its own punctuation around it because it is considered controversial. Some LGBT members consider "Allies" apart of the community, others do not. Both sides of the argument have very valid thoughts and concerns. This string of letters was established in the 1980s, but most people today use one of the following: LGBT, LGBTQ, LGBTQIA, LGBTIA, and LGBTA. 

Exploring your sexuality chart

Polysexual

The Polysexual official flag

Polysexual is one of the not as well known sexual orientations. It is a multisexual orientation that means someone who is sexually attracted to many, but not all genders and/or sexes. How exactly is this different from bisexual, multisexual, or pansexual/omnisexual? For starters, pansexual/omnisexual is sexual attraction to all genders and sexes. So that crosses out that. Bisexual, linguistically speaking means sexual attraction to "2", however, there are numerous ways to interpret "2" (many bisexuals say "I am sexually attracted to my own gender and others" and that still fits the numerical '2'). Multisexual can be used as an umbrella term (any sexual orientation that means sexually attracted to two and/or more genders or sexes) or as an individual term (when used in this sense, many have used it to say "many different circumstances affect my sexual orientation - it is easier to just say multisexual as opposed to explaining the many different circumstances to which this could apply to"). The easy answer? It widely varies and everyone will feel comfortable with a different term for what to identify themselves with.

Polysexual is NOT synonymous with polyamorous or polygamy. Polyamorous deals with the number of romantic partners. Polygamy is a form of marriage that involves multiple partners. Polysexual solely deals with sexual attraction. 

Google Trends state that people have been looking up this term on Google since at least 2004. The flag itself was created in July 2012 by a user who called themselves "Samlin". They said the colors represent: "pink is an attraction to feminine identified people, green is for non-binary or beyond the binary individuals, blue is for masculine-identified people".

As of this blog post (January 2020), I was unable to find official resources of information or a community beyond Facebook groups for polysexuality (official website, message board/forum, etc.).