Polyamorous vs Monoamorous

poly vs mono is a very complex phenomenon whenever it comes to how many partners we choose to have (romantically and/or sexually)

"Polyamorous" is more than one and "monoamorous" is one. People have often wondered, why is "mono the default" in regards to what is acceptable. This is...complicated to say the least. One of the leading theories for why initially "mono couples" started happening was because of STDs/STIs. 

In today's era, "polyamorous" often gets the excuse of "it's just a cheater" when that is not the case at all. In polyamorous couples (and families), there are ground rules laid down for everyone participating in the relationship. For example, a common rule is if you have sex outside of the polyamorous relationship then the person must wear some kind of protective device to reduce the risk of STDs/STIs being transferred.

The polyamorous community is starting to come out more "into the light" (so to speak). They are marching in LGBTQIA PRIDE parades (please note: they are not inherently apart of the LGBTQIA communities, they're like close cousins in the grand scheme of things). Many polyamorous groups are fighting for equal rights in regards to marriages as well.

The media (at least for America) does not have a good reputation for showcasing polyamorous couples. "Sister Wives" and similar shows are universally disliked within the polyamorous communities.  

What "causes" someone to be polyamorous? Currently, the science shows that scientists believe it's a combination of things - genetics, how your family and friends treated the idea of polyamorous couples and families (for example - if your family had a very negative attitude towards polyamorous couples and families, that idea is likely to imprint upon you), and your own cultural attitudes towards them. 

Many couples who are monoamorous decide they want to "dip their toes" into the polyamorous community (non-monogamy) and this is fine. There is a difference between mono-monogamous, polyamorous, and swings too. Non-monogamy covers a wide variety of different "not monogamous" type relationships, polyamorous generally means multiple romantic partners, and swingers tends to mean multiple sexual partners (with little to no regard for the romantic part of the relationship). However, these three definitions vary slightly from person to person.

There are so many different ways to have ethical polyamorous relationships. Every polyamorous relationship varies from person to person and couple to couple. There is no one "right way" to engage in an ethical (and consensual) polyamorous relationship. 

There are numerous polyamorous support groups on social media. There are also many videos on Youtube that cover the subject (with varying quality) - as well as numerous books and documentaries about the polyamorous community. 

If you'd like to learn more about the polyamorous community - below is a great list of "starter resources" for those who are just beginning to learn about this community:

• The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy (book)
• More than Two (book and website)
• Polyamory: Roadmaps for the Clueless and Hopeful by Anthony Ravenscroft (book)
• Solopoly.net (website)

While many of these resources focus on the "straight polyamorous relationships", it is very difficult to find polyamorous resources that are geared towards LGBTQIA couples and individuals. If anyone finds these kinds of resources, please let me know so I can add it to the list!

Sexual Dimorphism Genitalia

CW/TW: big warning about in graphic descriptions and details about human genitalia (penises, vaginas, the like). Also graphic pictures.

Also note: I have been wanting to make this blog post for a very long time, primarily to illustrate the minimal difference between what society deems as 'female' and what society deems as 'male'

There is very little difference between what we consider "male" and "female" on the biological level for human beings.  This post on this blog will focus on explaining the differences.

"Sexual dimorphism" can be described as how science can anatomically find a difference between what we see as "typically male" and "typically female". Science associates "typically female" as the body used to carry a fetus to term and give birth and in some animal species, care for the young until they reach maturity. Science associates "typically male" as the body that carries the sperm and impregnates others to "carry on the species" so to say. Obviously when we get into the social sciences "girl vs boy" is changing on a daily basis. We are not here to discuss the social science side of what we perceive as "feminine vs masculine". This is solely for biology.

An anatomical diagram of a penis vs a clitoris

As one can see from this diagram, overall, there are minimal differences between the two body parts. personally, I jokingly say "a clitoris is a baby penis and a penis is a big clitoris".

On the viewer's left is a clitoris filled with blood and on the viewer's right is a flaccid penis (image source)

The photograph here is being shown solely to show just how minimally different the two organs are

Now where does that leave the testicles? Again, very similar to what we consider "female anatomy". You see that "line" that goes down the center of the testicles? That is the "connection point" of where the labia majora would be. If the body did not connect the tissue here (among other things going on when you were a fetus in the womb), this likely would have become a labia majora. 

The "foreskin" on the clitoris is what we consider the "clitoral hood". The prostate has an equivalent for vaginal anatomy as well. This is known as the skel's gland. 

Let's be real, the sexual education in America is absolutely horrendous right now. Being a sexologist (and legally qualified to teach health education in the state that I am in right now), I strongly believe that if we had more frankly blunt depictions of human sexuality (age appropriate and all) and concepts within the human sexuality taught to our students (consent, basic introduction to LGBTQIA, sexual health and wellness, etc.) we would, as a society, have a much more (frankly) complex understanding of human sexuality.

I strongly believe that one of the primary reasons we have "male vs female" as a concept is because of our instinctual urge to categorize things. We have an entire scientific field dedicated to this idea (taxonomy, one hell of a field). Being able to put things in "neat little boxes" when discussing things brings the human brain comfort and helps reduce anxiety levels when trying to understand a concept. For this reason, I understand the "why", but at the same time, it is so incredibly frustrating when you see just how truly similar the human body is when it comes to "male vs female".

For further reading material, I strongly recommend the following!:

• Peaceful Parenting: http://www.drmomma.org/2015/02/homologous-organs-clitoris-penis.html
• Sexing the Body by Anne Fausto-Sterling (yes this book is dated with terminology and the like but is a great introduction to learning about how truly minimal sexual dimorphism is in humans)
• www.isna.org (this deals specifically with the intersex population but is a great read because it deals with sexing the human body)

Pornography

Pornography has always been a taboo subject to the masses

Fun fact! Pornography was the one of the first things to be captured when cameras could handle moving pictures. Which just goes to show that people have always wanted to consume pornography in some shape or form. 

Pornography is a touchy subject because sex is a touchy subject. The reality is, porn will always be a sought after form of media for the majority of the population. With this in mind (and the ever-changing landscape of technology) parents need to be proactive about discussing pornography with their children (pre-teens and teenagers). Hell, I remember being in middle school and happen to hear conversations of the boys beginning to discuss pornography with each other (keep in mind boys were around ages 11-13 here). Yes, porn sites have a "You must be 18+ to enter this site" warning on them but let's be real since there's no ID verification (or anything like that) for most sites, this is very easy to by-pass. As uncomfortable as a subject it is for most parents, healthy and ethical consumption of pornography is a must.

First, let's get a few things out of the way:

• Sexual fantasies are just that, fantasies. Many women report having some kind of sexually violent fantasy (commonly known as "CNC" or "consensual non-consent", the fetish name for this is biastophilia)
• The majority of people consume what we could consider "mild porn" (three-ways, blindfolds, roleplays, ec.) or "moderate porn" (such as any kind of impact play, electrical play, ice play, etc.) in regards to severity. The vast minority of porn consumers (when you consider the total population who consumes pornography) specifically look for porn that society would deem as extremely violent (blowjobs to the point of vomiting, physically hurting someone until their bruises are a grotesque color, etc.). 
• Many porn stars are actually uncomfortable performing "gang rape" scenes, "kidnap rape" scenes, anything involving a gun (fake or real), etc. If they do agree to do these kinds of scenes (and can go through with it all the way until the end) then they get a huge bonus (cash-wise)
• Because pornography budgets are getting smaller and they run on a very tight filming schedule, many performers are forced to be uncomfortable for extended periods of time (some go as far as physically hurting themselves and/or consuming pills to help with 'performance'). For this reason, many are choosing to avoid pornography companies all together (technology has allowed them to safely do this and maintain complete autonomy)
• Sex workers, in general, are known to have very low rates of STDs/STIs

Moderation is key, like most things. Are there unethical and violent pornography out there? Absolutely. I am in no way shape or form stating that all pornography is 'good' or 'healthy'. Don't bother with firewalls because people will find clever ways to get around them (like VPNs). 

If parents are uncomfortable discussing this subject with their children, there are many healthy alternatives:

• YouTube and other video sites! There are channels dedicated to safe sex ed and safe ways to consume pornography
• Look up parenting blogs that are specific to discussing 'adult' material with children ("the sex" talk, pornography consumptions, etc.) 
• Ask Facebook groups! There's tons of parenting groups on Facebook
• Put emphasis on the fact that porn is fantasy. Put emphasis on the fact that these are just actors playing a role. Put emphasis on the fact that actors are often chosen for specific body parts (for example penises on average tend to be larger in porn on average than penises in 'everyday circumstances')

It is important to have no pornography be the "sex education" tool your kids use to learn about sex since again, it is a fantasy. There's plenty of parenting groups, books, and videos about how to teach comprehensive and factually correct sex education. Know that your kid's school "sex education" is likely awful (they often just consist of "this is how pregnant happens" and "here's some scary images of STDs/STIs" and maybe even a graphic video of a someone giving birth).